lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundra

I don't want to anchor two topics of today in any emotional fuck ups from last months. They both need to be clear and transparent.

That's why the hardest part of writing them is to put some music in here. Because everything somehow reminds me of the emotional side of last... year... It's always been like that. Music reminds me and music is my personal diary. But even if don't find any good songs, it is still very important what I want to say.

Anyway.

In one month I will be one of millions young people with higher education, no job and no perspective. For now I only don't have a job and perspective ;) I am really proud of myself that I have managed to finish the Uni, to pay for it, and believe me it wasn't easy. When I started six years ago (I changed Uni after the first year, and basically changed my life) I used to have one, maximum two days off during the whole month. I had no time to meet my firneds and some of them still have a problem with understanding that. But they make other choices. I make mine.

I will always think "what would happen if i didn't change the uni? who would I be now?" I was studying animal sciences and one day somenthing happened and I simply changed university. Just like that. One phone call, one moment I was saying goodbye to 13 years of learning biology.
I was soooo down and my new uni lifted me up, because I starded believing that I really have something inside my head. That even my abstract thinking can be a good thing.
And that the fact that I am a bit different than other people is GOOD. Everybody from my new uni was different, we were kinda a group of freaks. And we have stayed like that for all those years, and we managed to care for each other and ourseleves. Totally accepting who we are, how we are, how bad asses we can be at times and how sweet and crazy and romatinc we can get (yuk!). Also - we never triend to change anyone of us.
And now everything is done. It ended. Just like that.

Future will show us how strong or how weak we are.

Most of my friends have finished humanistic schools. We are good with emotions, philosopies, arts, media, theories of ..everything, history. But nobody is now interested in it. Pity. Ok, life goes on, we can't give up.

But we also can't compare and compete with others.
I am really happy for my friend who gets job offers few times a month, for money that my whole family would earn in six months. It's cool, I'm proud of him, honestly! And at the same time I am very sad for another friend who loses job as often as I do, and always makes bad decisions.
It's normal.
What I hate is to see my best friends loose themselves in unreal life and money. Making money the only valueble thing in life. And comparing people on basis of their salaries.
Or amount of parties they can go to during the week.
I know I'm a hard person, I know i live in my own world and i know that i always criticize everything and most of my friends think that I'm not ok with everything. But no. I don't want my closest friends to get totally fucked up by taking part in rat race.
I will also not compare to them. Because I know my strong parts, I know how good I can be with people. And you all have something! You don't have to be brought down because you don't fit. Because you're different than 1000 other kids in your school.

Clear?

That's why I will never tell him "Oh, I envy you so much!", I don't. We're just diffent. But it doesn't mean that we can't be friends and support each other.

And be happy when that other persons succeeds!

Remember - never envy your friends.

---

Second thing for today.. I've been waiting the whole week to write it:

it's been exactly 5 years since my first antony concert.

I remember it was a crazy day. Had two exams on my previous uni (microbiology and genetic something something..), came back home, changed clothes, hurried for a train. When we got to Poznan and when the gig started I moved to another dimension.
Antony moves me, deeply, like no other artist does. That's why I chose his name for my first tattoo ;)

In other people I still look for his tenderness.

I don't want the world to be like this:
"Ice flow, nowhere to go, lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaaaaa".


Ok, finishing. I know it's cheezy, but really, please - never try to change the way you are. If anybody has a problem with it - it's their problem, not yours.
During the years you can loose lots of fake friends, fall in love unhappily and have a feeling that your life it a constant fight.

But what matters the most is to be around ppl with whom you can simply share happy moments. Like my old professor said "a friend in happyness is a friend indeed" (no rhyme, shit!:))

I wouldn't want it any other way

The phenomenon of Depeche Mode is that you can understand their lyrics on so many levels. They can be nice and lovley and totally heavy at the same moment.

When I was 15 years old, I obviously couldn't understand Dave or Martin singing about lust that rules your life, or how much you want somebody that you can even listen to lies and pretend the love, or how fucking dangereous you get sometimes and how much you want that other person to let you be so dangereous.

I also love that fetishist side of Martin's lyrics.

It all, somehow, lifts you up and lets you be that dangerous person.
And that is one of arts role in our lives - to let you become someone else for a moment or two.
But what happens when you don't want to come back?

I could carve all of those lyrics on my forehead today...






DANGEREOUS!

It's all far from being light and nice. It's all so... oh I don't know, overpowering.

But let me.

And this is the perfect love song for tonight:



It's all so surreal.

coffee, republic and cakes

It's the disease of the age
It's the disease that we crave
Alone at the end of the rave
We catch the last bus home

Corporate America wakes
Coffee republic and cakes
We open the latch on the gate
Of the hole that we call our home

Maybe we're victims of fate
Remember when we'd celebrate
We'd drink and get high until late
And now we're all alone

Wedding bells ain't gonna chime
With both of us guilty of crime
And both of us sentenced to time
And now we're all alone

wake me out of that deep sleep, darling

it's been hard lately